| "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners
for four. Unless there are three other people."
Orson Welles
|
| "The fascination of shooting as a sport depends
almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the
gun."
P. G. Wodehouse
|
| "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
George Carlin
|
| "The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous
phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."
C. P. Snow
|
| "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves into
a position of power should on no account be allowed to do the
job."
Douglas Adams
|
| "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk
away from it."
Charles M. Schulz
|
| "What can you say about a society that says that
God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
Irv Kupcinet
|
| "An expert is a person who avoids small error as he
sweeps on to the grand fallacy."
Benjamin Stolberg
|
| "A man can stand anything except a succession of
ordinary days."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
|
| "It's a poor sort of memory that only works
backward."
Lewis Carroll
|
| "There is no such thing as "fun for the whole
family."
Jerry Seinfeld
|
| "I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a
month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it."
Thomas Jefferson
|
| "Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can
always take something for it."
Unknown
|
| "I took a speed reading course and read 'War and
Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
Woody Allen
|
| "Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces
from the weather and exposing them to the critic."
Ambrose Bierce
|
| "Physicists like to think that all you have to do
is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next?"
Richard Feynman
|
| "When love is gone, there's always justice. And
when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is
gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom!"
Laurie Anderson
|
| "To avoid situations in which you might make
mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all."
Peter McWilliams
|
| "In literature as in love, we are astonished at
what is chosen by others."
Andre Maurois
|
| "What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one
nuisance for another nuisance."
Havelock Ellis
|
| "If you look good and dress well, you don't need a
purpose in life."
Robert Pante
|
| "The truth is rarely pure and never simple."
Oscar Wilde
|
| "He was a genius - that is to say, a man who does
superlatively and without obvious effort something that most
people cannot do by the uttermost exertion of their abilities."
Robertson Davies
|
| "The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became
obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines."
Henry J. Tillman
|
| "Ninety percent of everything is crap."
Theodore Sturgeon
|
| "What is the difference between unethical and
ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to
deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the
public."
Vilhjalmur Stefansson
|
| "A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about
atoms."
George Wald
|
| "She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a
serviceable substitute for wit."
W. Somerset Maugham
|
| "Sanity is a madness put to good use."
George Santayana
|
| "They certainly give very strange names to
diseases."
Plato
|
| "Write a wise saying and your name will live
forever"
Anonymous
|
| "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint
it."
Steven Wright
|
| "What the world needs is more geniuses with
humility, there are so few of us left."
Oscar Levant
|
| "Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly
inconsistent with one's own opinion."
Ambrose Bierce
|
| "A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go
to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the
trip."
Caskie Stinnett
|
| "The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not
to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essense
of inhumanity."
George Bernard Shaw
|
| "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or
insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson
|
| "History is more or less bunk."
Henry Ford
|
| "Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the
feeling that someone else is driving."
David Letterman
|
| "Better to write for yourself and have no public,
than to write for the public and have no self."
Cyril Connolly
|
| "You know that children are growing up when they
start asking questions that have answers."
John J. Plomp
|
| "I hate life, I hate death and everything in
between just doesn't interest me."
Chris Rapier
|
| "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend
to be witty."
Sacha Guitry
|
| "A musicologist is a man who can read music but
can't hear it."
Sir Thomas Beecham
|
| "Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for
a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put
on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae."
Kurt Vonnegut
|
| "My one regret in life is that I am not someone
else."
Woody Allen
|
| "It's a recession when your neighbor loses his
job; it's a depression when you lose yours."
Harry S Truman
|
| "I can't understand why a person will take a year
to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars."
Fred Allen
|
| "All science is either physics or stamp
collecting."
Ernest Rutherford
|
| "I know the answer! The answer lies within the
heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the
wrong building."
Charles M. Schulz
|
| "There are worse things in life than death. Have
you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
Woody Allen
|
| "Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by
confessing our parents' shortcomings."
Laurence J. Peter
|
| "Politics is the art of preventing people from
taking part in affairs which properly concern them."
Paul Valery
|
| "This book fills a much-needed gap."
Moses Hadas
|
| "There are no wise few. Every aristocracy that has
ever existed has behaved, in all essential points, exactly like a
small mob."
G. K. Chesterton
|
| "He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot
is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave."
Sir William Drummond
|
| "It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
unless one has plenty of work to do."
Jerome K. Jerome
|
| "The time to stop talking is when the other person
nods his head affirmatively but says nothing."
Henry S. Haskins
|
| "Writers should be read, but neither seen nor
heard."
Daphne du Maurier
|
| "The scientific theory I like best is that the
rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
Mark Russell
|
| "For a list of all the ways technology has failed
to improve the quality of life, please press three."
Alice Kahn
|
| "Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will
take care of themselves."
Dorothy Parker
|
| "It's no longer a question of staying healthy.
It's a question of finding a sickness you like."
Jackie Mason
|
| "The desire to take medicine is perhaps the
greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals."
Sir William Osler
|
| "After all, all he did was string together a lot
of old, well-known quotations."
H. L. Mencken
|
| "If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have
taken better care of myself."
Mickey Mantle
|
| "Good taste is the worst vice ever invented."
Edith Sitwell
(Thanks to Harshala R. Bhogle for
this gem.)
|
| "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his
life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being
recognized."
Fred Allen
|
| "We must believe in luck. For how else can we
explain the success of those we don't like?"
Jean Cocteau
|
| "When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries
disappear and life stands explained."
Mark Twain
|
| "I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly
defensible position."
Pat Conroy
|
| "There is never enough time, unless you're serving
it."
Malcolm Forbes
|
| "I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to
help me behind my back."
Richard Lewis
|
| "The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people
say you cannot do."
Walter Bagehot
|
| "There are many who dare not kill themselves for
fear of what the neighbors will say."
Cyril Connolly
|
| "You can't say that civilization don't advance,
however, for in every war they kill you in a new way."
Will Rogers
|
| "Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth
than men; although he was twice married, it never occured to him
to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths."
Bertrand Russell
|
| "It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose."
Darrin Weinberg
|
| "Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge."
Paul Gauguin
|
| "I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking.
He called me a quitter."
Steven Pearl
|
| "When a thing has been said and well, have no
scruple. Take it and copy it."
Anatole France
|
| "There is only one difference between a madman and
me. I am not mad."
Salvador Dali
|
| "Never explain--your friends do not need it and
your enemies will not believe you anyway."
Elbert Hubbard
|
| "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no
talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that
time I was too famous."
Robert Benchley
|
| "People everywhere confuse what they read in
newspapers with news."
A. J. Liebling
|
| "I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
Woody Allen
|
| "Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and
you'll be shot at."
Carlos A. Urbizo
|
| "A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience,
loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before
lying down."
Robert Benchley
|
| "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk
away from it."
Charles M. Schulz
|
| "Education is a progressive discovery of our own
ignorance."
Will Durant
|
| "There are more fools in the world than there are
people."
Heinrich Heine
|
| "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have
to do it himself."
A. H. Weiler
|
| "Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedy."
Ernest Benn
|
| "With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has
accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world.
They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than
regular life."
P. J. O'Rourke
|
| "I don't have a bank account, because I don't know
my mother's maiden name."
Paula Poundstone
|
| "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but
I think she enjoyed it."
Mark Twain
|
| "When you think of the long and gloomy history of
man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the
name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of
rebellion."
C. P. Snow
|
| "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be
Cary Grant."
Cary Grant
|
| "The place of the father in the modern suburban
family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf."
Bertrand Russell
|
| "There is always some madness in love. But there is
also always some reason in madness."
Friedrich Nietzsche
|
| "Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember
that all men are strange."
Robin Morgan
|
| "A coupla months in the laboratory can save a
coupla hours in the library."
Westheimer's Discovery
|
| "The fact that man knows right from wrong proves
his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact
that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature
that cannot."
Mark Twain
|
| "Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a
compliment to critics, and have imagined them to be men of much
greater profundity then they really are."
Henry Fielding
|
| "The world's as ugly as sin, and almost as
delightful."
Frederick Locker
|
| "The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer
is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them
around a little."
Joe Martin
|
| "Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
|
| "Many would be cowards if they had courage enough."
Thomas Fuller
|
| "People that are really very weird can get into
sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
Dan Quayle
|
| "If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
Dean Martin
|
| "The ultimate result of shielding men from the
effects of folly is to fill the world with fools."
Herbert Spencer
|
| "The truth is rarely pure and never simple."
Oscar Wilde
|
| "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
Bertolt Brecht
|
| "Martyrdom... is the only way in which a man can
become famous without ability."
George Bernard Shaw
|
| "Life is a zoo in a jungle."
Peter De Vries
|
| "Learning to dislike children at an early age saves
a lot of expense and aggravation later in life."
Robert Byrne
|
| "The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be
conscious of none."
Thomas Carlyle
|
| "Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce
it."
Christopher Morley
|
| "Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or
anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers."
Jimmy Breslin
|
| "Basic research is what I am doing when I don't
know what I am doing."
Wernher von Braun
|
| "Blame someone else and get on with your life."
Alan Woods
|
| "Regret for the things we did can be tempered by
time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is
inconsolable."
Sidney J. Harris
|
| "A good deed never goes unpunished."
Gore Vidal
|
| "To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched
state."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
|
| "Men have become the tools of their tools."
Henry David Thoreau
|
| "Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to."
Mark Twain
|
| "Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and
squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one
for breakfast."
Douglas Adams
|
| "After one look at this planet any visitor from
outer space would say 'I want to see the manager'"
William S. Burroughs
|
| "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago."
Bernard Berenson
|
| "Few people can see genius in someone who has
offended them."
Robertson Davies
|
| "One of the advantages of being disorderly is that
one is constantly making exciting discoveries."
A. A. Milne
|
| "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they
make as they fly by."
Douglas Adams
|
| "A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong."
Milton Berle
|
| "My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we
met."
Rodney Dangerfield
|
| "The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."
Henny Youngman
|
| "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father
was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."
Charles Wadsworth
|
| "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering
- and it's all over much too soon."
Woody Allen
|
| "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies,
and statistics."
Benjamin Disraeli
|
| "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to
entertain a thought without accepting it."
Aristotle
|
| "It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom.
It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and
the wisest might err."
Mahatma Gandhi
|
| "I never think of the future - it comes soon
enough."
Albert Einstein
|
| "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the
ability to learn from the experience of others, are also
remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams
|
| "Sometimes I think the surest sign that
intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of
it has tried to contact us."
Bill Watterson
|
| "We cannot really love anybody with whom we never
laugh."
Agnes Repplier
|
| "If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y
plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
Albert Einstein
|
| "Men willingly believe what they wish."
Julius Caesar
|
| "Life is too short for traffic."
Dan Bellack
|
| "We think in generalities, but we live in detail."
Alfred North Whitehead
|
| "An undefined problem has an infinite number of
solutions."
Robert A. Humphrey
|
| "Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of
humorless people."
Robert Benchley
|
| "The man who says he is willing to meet you
halfway is usually a poor judge of distance."
Laurence J. Peter
|
| "There is no moral precept that does not have
something inconvenient about it."
Denis Diderot
|
| "There are more pleasant things to do than beat up
people."
Muhammad Ali
|
| "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could
become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it."
Clarence Darrow
|
| "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I
said I don't know."
Mark Twain
|
| "In times like these, it helps to recall that there
have always been times like these."
Paul Harvey
|
| "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can
fake that you've got it made."
Jean Giraudoux
|
| "Love is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence."
H. L. Mencken
|
| "Man is a rational animal who always loses his
temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of
reason."
Orson Welles
|
| "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Dan Quayle
|
| "The reason there are so few female politicians is
that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces."
Maureen Murphy
|
| "Start every day off with a smile and get it over
with."
W. C. Fields
|
| "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves
your groin unprotected."
Red Buttons
|
| "Income tax returns are the most imaginative
fiction being written today."
Herman Wouk
|
| "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would
not be called research, would it?"
Albert Einstein
|
| "If you think education is expensive, try
Ignorance"
Andy McIntyre
|
| "Television has proved that people will look at
anything rather than each other."
Ann Landers
|
| "A free society is a place where it's safe to be
unpopular."
Adlai Stevenson
|
| "There are no rules here - we're trying to
accomplish something."
Thomas A. Edison
|
| "Failure to prepare is preparing to fail."
Anonymous
|
| "My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
Henny Youngman
|
| "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit."
Shakespeare
|
| "The second day of a diet is always easier than
the first. By the second day you're off it."
Jackie Gleason
|
| "Be careful about reading health books. You may die
of a misprint."
Mark Twain
|
| "Let us all be happy, and live within our means,
even if we have to borrow the money to do it with."
Artemus Ward
|
| "Fathers send their sons to college either because
they went to college or because they didn't."
L. L. Henderson
|
| "A facility for quotation covers the absence of
original thought."
Lord Peter Wimsey
|
| "Income tax returns are the most imaginative
fiction being written today."
Herman Wouk
|
| "Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic."
Arthur C. Clarke
|
| "Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is
quite a man."
J. Robert Oppenheimer
|
| "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one
thinks of changing himself."
Leo Tolstoy
|
| "Honesty is the best policy - when there is money
in it."
Mark Twain
|
| "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many
things which escape those who dream only by night."
Edgar Allan Poe
|
| "We do not write because we want to; we write
because we have to."
W. Somerset Maugham
|
| "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest
of the time I don't have any fun at all."
Woody Allen
|
| "You have to know how to accept rejection and
reject acceptance."
Ray Bradbury
|
| "The advantage of a classical education is that it
enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from
achieving."
Russell Green
|
| "An intellectual is a man who takes more words than
necessary to tell more than he knows."
Dwight D. Eisenhower
|
| "The great thing about human language is that it
prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand."
Lewis Thomas
|
| "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have
his head examined."
Samuel Goldwyn
|
| "Realism...has no more to do with reality than
anything else."
Hob Broun
|
| "It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy."
James Thurber
|
| "Visit this page when you don't have a headache;
it'll give you one!"
Anil V. Shejale
Just kidding. Do come back; we
refresh it often.
|
hejale 
you do, it's how you do it.
